Week 1 Ranks

Finally! We’re finally about to be back to real-life, meaningful football. Not that, AAA bullshit we were subjected to during the month of August. I will be ranking position by position, barring the unneeded Kicker and Team Defense position. They will also be broken down into tiers – with some creative names. I will only do write ups for a certain amount at each position. Enjoy yo self! jim carrey


Tier: Yeah boy! You’re going home with the hot girl!

  • Aaron Rodgers, GB  Opponent: Chicago Bears
    • Yeah, yeah I know the Bears just gave the Raiders a metric shit ton to get Khalil Mack to help their defense. And I know Chicago was a pretty good fantasy defense last year. But we’re talking about Aaron Rodgers here. He’s the best QB in the league and it doesn’t matter who he’s going against.
  • Deshaun Watson, HOU  Opponent: @ New England Patriots
    • The Patriots secondary is as ugly and stinky as your taint. Watson is coming off a torn ACL and does represent a big risk to roll with him this high in Week 1. But I’ll take the upside and ability of DW4.
  • Drew Brees, NO  Opponent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
    • The Saints are almost 10 point favorites at home against the Bucs. Brees and the Saints offense will look to roll over Tampa’s revamped defense. I don’t see the Bucs’ D-line causing Breesus too many issues.
  • Tom Brady, NE  Opponent: Houston Texans
    • When I mentioned how bad the Pats’ secondary was, I should’ve saved it for the Texans. Houston’s defense gave up the most fantasy points to QB last year and now they get to face the GOAT psycho in Week 1? Random European voice who Liam Neeson will eventually kill: “Good luck.”
  • Philip Rivers, LAC  Opponent: Kansas City Chiefs
    • I hope Rivers can get a babysitter for his 85 children for Sunday because he has a beautiful matchup. The Chiefs secondary was legit awful last year and that was WITH Marcus Peters. Phil will be filling the stat line on Sunday just like he’s filled his family: big numbers! (You thought I was going sexual, ha!)

Tier: Not great, but very bangable

  • Cam Newton, CAR Opponent: Dallas Cowboys
    • Newton below the top 5 for Week 1? That defies the laws of physics! (Newton, physics, you’re welcome you fuckin’ nerds). This rank will probably blow up in my face because of Cam’s dual threat ability.
  • Kirk Cousins, MIN  Opponent: San Francisco 49ers
    • I know Big Richard Sherman used to be a shut down corner. And the Niners paid him a lot to come be their shut down guy. But I don’t think he can do it anymore and their secondary isn’t exactly impressive behind him. Captain Kirk Cousins should have a nice opening week as a Vike.
  • Marcus Mariota, TEN  Opponent: @ Miami Dolphins
    • Who even plays for the Miami Dolphins anymore? They’d be better off throwing The U’s defense out there from 2000. Like now. 40 year old Ed Reed is probably better than the majority of their defense. Mariota’s dual threat ability also makes him an intriguing play.
  • Matt Stafford, DET Opponent: New York Jets
    • The Lions are huge home favorites against the Jets on Monday Night Football. Stafford figures to be sligin’ the ball all over the place and is a locked and loaded QB1.
  • Russell Wilson, SEA  Opponent: @ Denver Broncos
    • Wilson! Wilson! Much like Tom Hanks in Castaway, I fear that we could be screaming Wilson’s name in sadness this week. Russ faces a tough road matchup against Denver. Plus, he’s probably not used to playing in an ozone filled with smoke from weed. Shit, weed is legal in Washington too, isn’t it?

Tier: Eh, I guess I’ll take that home

  • Ben Roethlisberger, PIT @ CLE
  • Jared Goff, LAR @ OAK
  • Andy Dalton, CIN @ IND
  • Blake Bortles, JAC @ NYG
  • Andrew Luck, IND vs. CIN
  • Matt Ryan, ATL @ PHI

Tier: Taking the troll home! Yikes!

  • Dak Prescott @ CAR
  • Jimmy Garoppolo @ MIN
  • Alex Smith @ ARI
  • Case Keenum vs SEA
  • Patrick Mahomes @ LAC
  • Mitch Trubisky @ GB
  • Tyrod Taylor, CLE
  • Nick Foles vs. ATL

Running Backs

Tier: Yeah boy! You’re going home with the hot girl!

  • Todd Gurley, LAR  Opponent: @ Oakland Raiders
    • There’s a reason the Gurley one was the first pick in most drafts. His talent is almost unmatched at the position and is in a great situation. And to start the year off, he gets the Raiders who just traded the best defensive player in the league. I’m firing the Toddfather up as my overall RB1.
  • Le’Veon Bell, PIT  Opponent: @ Cleveland Browns
    • Haha just kidding. Fuck this dude.
  • David Johnson, ARI  Opponent: Washington Redskins
    • Well, Johnson should be well rested. He missed 15 and a half games last season with a wrist injury. Like I said before, as long as its his non jerkoff wrist, I’m not worried. DJ is a dual threat back and one of the best backs in the league.
  • Alvin Kamara, NO  Opponent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
    • Kamara at home against the Fuccaneers? Yes, please. I don’t expect Al to increase his touches significantly from last year, but Super Kamara is so efficient with his touches. We should all hope to be as efficient with our touches as Kamara is. (I’m talking about other touches, wink wink).
  • Zeke Elliott, DAL  Opponent: @ Carolina Panthers
    • Welp, Zeke should touching it more than a lonely man does in the privacy of his home. Gross. But to Zeke, that’s great. The Panthers are a good defense and they’ll probably sell out to stop the run because who the fuck is Dak gonna even throw it to? Jason Witten? Shit, he retired.

Tier: Not great, but very bangable

  • Melvin Gordon, LAC  Opponent: Kansas City Chiefs
    • Commissioner Melvin Gordon and the San Diego, er, I mean LA Chargers could be in a shootout this Sunday with the Chiefs. KC’s defense looks rough on paper so Gordo should be able to shock the biceps then do some cardio so he can keep the body guessing. Just like the Chiefs defense will be.
  • Joe Mixon, CIN  Opponent: @ Indianapolis Colts
    • Joe Joe should be able to mix it up for some positive yards this weekend against a defense that’s absolutely horrendous on paper. I love Mixon this week as long as his O-line can figure things out.
  • Christian McCaffrey, CAR  Opponent: Dallas Cowboys
    • CMac should have himself a decent day on Sunday against a Cowboys defense that doesn’t have a chance in hell to cover him out of the backfield. White Christian should have his customary receiving game while hopefully adding some more on the ground than he did last year.
  • Saquon Barkley, NYG  Opponent: Jacksonville Jaguars
    • I don’t know how to feel about Saquon this week. This rank could be too high, or too low. I know, I know – good point Captain Obvious. But Barkley faces an excellent defense in his debut so we’ll see.
  • Leonard Fournette, JAC  Opponent: @ New York Giants
    • Halloween Leonard will be looking to FournetteFlix and chill in the endzone this week in the Big Apple City. The Jags will feed him more than a fat kid at a Golden Corral. Which yes, does sound disgusting. But so does letting Blake Bortles throw it a lot.
  • Kareem Hunt, KC  Opponent: @ Los Angeles Chargers
    • Reemin’ some Hunts! I think the LAC-KC game could potentially be the highest scoring game of the week and if that’s the case, the defending rushing champion figures to be heavily involved. As long as Andy Reid doesn’t get hungry and eat his playbook where the running plays are.

Tier: Eh, I guess I’ll take that home

  • Dalvin Cook, MIN vs. SF
  • Derrick Henry, TEN @ MIA
  • Jordan Howard, CHI @ GB
  • Devonta Freeman, ATL @ PHI
  • Kenyan Drake, MIA vs. TEN
  • LeSean McCoy, BUF @ BAL
  • James Conner, PIT @ CLE
  • Jay Ajayi, PHI vs. ATL
  • Alex Collins, BAL vs. BUF
  • Royce Freeman vs. SEA
  • Dion Lewis @ MIA
  • Lamar Miller @ NE
  • Rex Burkhead vs. HOU
  • Jamaal Williams vs. CHI

Tier: Taking the troll home! Yikes!

  • Tevin Coleman @ PHI
  • Chris Carson vs. DEN
  • Kerryon Johnson vs. NYJ
  • Adrian Peterson @ ARI
  • Marshawn Lynch vs. LAR
  • Alfred Morris @ MIN
  • Matt Breida @ MIN
  • Peyton Barber @ NO
  • Duke Johnson vs. PIT
  • Jordan Wilkins vs. CIN

Wide Receivers

I’m now understanding that doing write-ups at each position might be a bit much especially if I want to do weekly articles. So, at this point it will just be rankings with the tiers.

Tier: Yeah boy! You’re going home with the hot girl!

  • Antonio Brown, PIT @ CLE
  • DeAndre Hopkins, HOU @ NE
  • Michael Thomas, NO vs. TB
  • Keenan Allen, LAC vs. KC
  • Julio Jones, ATL @ PHI
  • AJ Green, CIN @ IND
  • Davante Adams, GB vs. CHI
  • Stefon Diggs, MIN vs. SF
  • Odell Beckham, NYG vs. JAC

Tier: Not great, but bangable

  • Adam Thielen, MIN vs. SF
  • Jarvis Landry, CLE vs. PIT
  • Larry Fitzgerald, ARI vs. WAS
  • JuJu Smith-Schuster, PIT @ CLE
  • Brandin Cooks, LAR @ OAK
  • T.Y. Hilton, IND vs. CIN
  • Mike Evans, TB @ NO
  • Golden Tate, DET vs. NYJ
  • Chris Hogan, NE vs. HOU
  • Amari Cooper, OAK vs. LAR
  • Corey Davis, TEN @ MIA

Tier: Eh, I guess I’ll take that home

  • Demaryius Thomas, DEN vs. SEA
  • Emmanuel Sanders, DEN vs. SEA
  • Cooper Kupp, LAR @ OAK
  • Marvin Jones, DET vs. NYJ
  • Devin Funchess, CAR vs. DAL
  • Robert Woods, LAR @ OAK
  • Pierre Garcon, SF @ MIN
  • Josh Gordon, CLE vs. PIT

Tier: Taking the troll home! Yikes!

  • Sammy Watkins, KC @ LAC
  • Nelson Agholor, PHI vs. ATL
  • Marquise Goodwin, SF @ MIN
  • Jamison Crowder, WAS @ ARI
  • Will Fuller, HOU @ NE
  • Kenny Golladay, DET vs. NYJ
  • Sterling Shepard, NYG vs. JAC


Tier: Yeah boy! You’re going home with the hot girl!

  • Rob Gronkowski, NE vs. HOU

Tier: Not great, but very bangable

  • Travis Kelce, KC @ LAC
  • Jimmy Graham, GB vs. CHI
  • Zach Ertz, PHI vs. ATL
  • Kyle Rudolph, MIN vs. SF
  • Greg Olsen, CAR vs. DAL
  • Jordan Reed, WAS @ ARI

Tier: Eh, I guess I’ll take that home

  • Evan Engram, NYG vs. JAC
  • Delanie Walker, TEN @ MIA
  • O.J. Howard, TB @ NO
  • Trey Burton, CHI @ GB
  • Tyler Eifert, CIN @ IND
  • George Kittle, SF @ MIN

Tier: Taking the troll home! Yikes!

  • Jack Doyle, IND vs. CIN
  • Jared Cook, OAK vs. LAR
  • Eric Ebron, IND vs. CIN
  • Charles Clay, BUF @ BAL
  • Austin Hooper, ATL @ PHI
  • Cameron Brate, TB @ NO
  • Ricky Seals-Jones, ARI vs. WAS
  • Ben Watson, NO vs. TB

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