Wide Receivers

These are SEASON LONG ranks. I rate them in which the order I would draft them, not necessarily how they’ll finish. We’ll be going by the half point PPR scoring system to rank these guys.

Draft tip: Get a stud at WR and be patient. There’s a vast amount of receivers who could return solid value later in the draft.

  1. Antonio Brown, Pittsburgh Steelers     Age: 30     Height: 5’10     Weight: 186

If you’re afraid of the Madden Curse, fuck you. AB is the most consistent and prolific receiver in football and that will only continue this year. You don’t often see receivers that are as short as he is produce on the outside like he has, but Brown is as quick as The Flash and can’t be jammed at the line of scrimmage. Business is going to continue to boom for Brown and the Steelers this year and is worthy of a high first round selection. We’re going to Browntown, baby!

2. Julio Jones, Atlanta Falcons     Age: 29     Height: 6’3     Weight: 220

I view Julio as the equivalent to Derrick Henry at WRs. Not in terms of talent (Julio has far more) but in terms of being a size and speed freak. You couldn’t pay me to try to cover or stop Julio. Well, you could. But again, Margot Robbie is going to have to be involved and things are gonna get weird real quick. No, no Margot was with Derrick Henry’s write up. Let’s use Brie Larson here. Julio suffered last year because Matt Ryan forgot the basics of throwing a football and couldn’t hit him consistently for Jones to produce. If Jones can even score a couple more TDs this year compared to last year’s 3, he’ll be well worth this high ranking.

3. Odell Beckham, New York Giants     Age: 25     Height: 5’11     Weight: 198

OBJ just got paid! So much so that we may as well just take the “O” off his nickname and go with BJ because he’s gonna be getting them left and right with that kind of money in NYC. Also, please get rid of that stupid fucking hair, you look like a maniac. Anyways, Beckham’s season was cut short last year after 4 games but reports are that his rehab has gone great and he’s ready to go for Week 1. If Eli can wipe the dumb look off his face long enough, he should be able to locate Beckham being open. I can’t remember a receiver of this size being able to make the type of catches Beckham does – he’s a freak. And will probably go in the back half of the first round.

4. Michael Thomas, New Orleans Saints     Age: 25     Height: 6’3     Weight: 212

I’m of the belief that there’s no way the Saints will run for as many TDs as they did last year and will throw for more this year. If that’s the case, Michael Thomas should be the primary beneficiary. This monster of a target for Drew Brees is so big that he blocks out the damn sun and should provide a huge red zone target for the Saints. Thomas only caught 5 TDs last year and still finished as the WR5. If he can get up near the 8-10 touchdown range, my fitness consigliere Michel should finish in the top 5.

5. DeAndre Hopkins, Houston Texans     Age: 26     Height: 6’1     Weight: 214

Hopkins Nuk’d the competition last year on his way to finishing as the WR1. It’s incredibly impressive considering that the majority of the year (when Watson was injured) he had to catch passes from Tom Savage and TJ Yates. That’s gross. I’d rather catch passes from the ghost of Tommy Maddox. Tommy Maddox is still alive? Oh. With Watson back to full health (presumably), Hopkins should be in line for another season in the top 5 at the position.

6. Keenan Allen, Los Angeles Chargers     Age: 26     Height: 6’2     Weight: 211

Keenan Allen is only 26? How? It feels like he’s been in the league since 1996. He’s the primary target for the shot putting QB with a thousand kids and will continue to put up big numbers for San Diego, er, I mean LA Chargers. That sounds gross. Move back to San Dieago, the city named after a whale’s vagina. It’s a classy place. Allen finished as WR3 last year and should find his way inside the top 10 again. He’s constantly open and Flip Rivers should find him often.

7. Doug Baldwin, Seattle Seahawks     Age: 29     Height: 5’11     Weight: 189

Dougy B has sat out most of the preseason nursing a knee injury. His constantly high as shit coach said he should be good to go for Week 1 and Baldwin himself said that he’ll be at about 85% for Week 1. Baldwin is Ciara’s husband’s first look in the passing game and is a monster in the slot. I, myself am also a monster in the slot, but that’s for another story. I’m not scared off by his injury and I think that he can provide season winning value with how far he has fallen in drafts.

8. Davante Adams, Green Bay Packers     Age: 26      Height: 6’1     Weight: 215

I’m not convinced that Adams is that special of a receiver but being Aaron Rodgers’ primary weapon has its perks. You get targeted more often, you get more end zone looks and I’m just spitballin’ here, but I bet ARod doesn’t even mind if he takes his sloppy seconds. He’s just trying to be a good teammate, man. Adams doesn’t face much competition for work on the outside and should fully return value for where he’s being drafted.

9. Stefon Diggs, Minnesota Vikings     Age: 25     Height: 6’0     Weight: 191

Can you dig it? I know can. Stefon boom Diggity is a receiver that I think is a lesser version of Antonio Brown. And apparently so do the Vikings, as they just rewarded him with a very handsome contract. Diggs finished as WR20 and that’s after missing games due to injury and being hobbled in others. Don’t be afraid of his injury history. Diggs should be Captain Kirk’s primary target in Minnesota’s offense and if he stays healthy will finish as a WR1.

10. AJ Green, Cincinnati Bengals     Age: 30      Height: 6’4     Weight: 210

I’d love to know what AJ Green’s career could’ve been like if he hadn’t had to spend his entire career catching passes from the ginger headed fuck that is Andy Dalton. The only reason Andy Dalton still has a job is because of AJ Green. If Dalton hasn’t named his children, who I assume are also gingers, Adriel, Jeremiah and Green then I think he’s a disrespectful son of a bitch. If you haven’t been able to tell, I think Green is a stud. He’s still worth this ranking.

11. Mike Evans, Tampa Bay Buccaneers     Age: 25       Height: 6’5     Weight: 231

Evans has the talent to finish as the overall WR1. I know this because he did it in his second year in the league. Now, if he can only get his quarterbacks to figure out how to get him the ball consistently. He has to play his first three games with Ryan Fitzpatrick, who I don’t know if you heard this before went to Harvard. Well if he’s so fuckin’ smart, then how come he can’t figure out that he can’t throw the ball into triple coverage? And his other quarterback is Jameis Winston, who is the polar opposite of a Harvard grad. Winston’s grasp of the English language is, let’s say, questionable at best. Just like his decision making. Pray for Evans – he’ll need it.

12. Tyreek Hill, Kansas City Chiefs     Age: 24       Height:5’10     Weight: 185

Tyreek the Freak! Tyreek the Fucking Asshole! Seriously, who punches a pregnant woman? Fuck you, dude. But to his fantasy value. I’m not sure there’s a better QB-WR strength combo in the league. Hill’s speed is second to none and apparently Mahomes can throw the ball the distance of the entire state of Missouri. Hill will be very boom-bust, but his boom weeks will be enough to make this rank worth it.

13. Amari Cooper, Oakland Raiders     Age: 24     Height: 6’1     Weight: 210

If you haven’t read my Derek Carr write up, I don’t believe Gruden when he says he’s taking football back to the 70s in Oakland. Jon Gruden wouldn’t lie to us, he once represented something every man loves, Hooters. I’m betting on the Raiders to throw it more than they say and if Cooper doesn’t breakout this year, then will he? Cooper Trooper will be a borderline WR1 this year.

14. Adam Thielen, Minnesota Vikings     Age: 28     Height: 6’2     Weight: 200

I’m hooked on a Thielen! More than a Thielen! I’m Thielen this! Good Lord, there’s so many songs that have the word feeling in it. Thielen not only provides endless team name options, but also endless value to the Vikings. He’s got great hands and always seems to be open. Again, a lot of how the Vikings will do depends on how well Cousins adopts to the Twin Cities.

15. Josh Gordon, Cleveland Browns     Age: 27     Height: 6’3     Weight: 225

If this dude could figure his personal life and issues out, then he’d be a perennial top 5 wide receiver. You ever look at Josh Gordon in his uniform? It’s frightening and semi-exciting (no, not sexually, well maybe a little) at the same time. He has put up massive numbers with quarterbacks who had no business being in the NFL and has recently arrived back with the Browns in camp. I’m not worried about him being in shape, like I said just look at that man and tell me he’s not. What I’m worried about a little is the situation. Because he plays for the same team that is color of shit. And that’s how they normally are.

16. T.Y. Hilton, Indianapolis Colts     Age: 29     Height: 5’9     Weight: 180

Fun fact: T.Y. Hilton’s name is actually Eugene Marquis. Where the fuck does the T.Y. come from? Let’s just go with Thank. You. Eugene Marquis Hilton for the sake of time. I’ve never been a big Hilton guy. Well, Paris Hilton and that “video” was something I could take, but not a big T.Y. Hilton guy. He’ll get Luck back this year and he’ll probably need some Luck if you want him to return where he’s being drafted at.

17. Brandin Cooks, Los Angeles Rams     Age: 25     Height: 5’10     Weight: 189

I’ve used it before and I’ll use it again, there could be too many cooks in the kitchen in L.A. He’s basically going to fill the role that Sammy Watkins left, but they’re not the same player. Cooks is a burner and is a player much in the mold of Tyreek Hill. He’ll win you some weeks with huge games. But, he also has the potential to absolutely buttfuck you’re week with a big old bagel. He’s a super quick and talented player, but the Rams have so many weapons that’ll be so hard to predict when his big week is gonna happen.

18. Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals     Age: 6’3     Height: 6’3     Weight: 218

Even at his advanced age, Larry just keeps getting it done and will give you the confidence to name your team Show Me Your Fitz. You’re welcome for that, people. The creepily big sleeved Sam Bradford is Fitzgerald’s new QB in the desert and his skill set will fit well with what Larry does now – catch a ton of short passes and move the sticks. He’s so consistent and should continue to keep getting it done.

19. JuJu Smith-Schuster, Pittsburgh Steelers     Age: 22     Height: 6’1     Weight: 215

JuJu had a surprising rookie season for the Steelers and figures to be the second target in a prolific offense. I wish there were bonus points for crushing pieces of shit with big blocks, because Smith-Schuster would rack them up. Fuck you, Vontaze! He’s not super fast and not a great leaper but he’s just so consistent and tough running the short to intermediate routes that you shouldn’t fear a sophomore slump.

20. Corey Davis, Tennessee Titans     Age: 23     Height: 6’3     Weight: 209

Davis had a very disappointing rookie season after being drafted 5th overall last year. So why the hell do I have him ranked so high? He’s a big, fast receiver who figures to benefit from a new offense in Tennessee. Mariota sucked donkey dong last year and I don’t see a way that he’s anywhere near that bad this year. Donkey’s are gross and so was Mariota’s passer rating last year. It’s going to get better for the Titans, and Davis will be a big part of it.

21. Marvin Jones, Detroit Lions     Age: 28     Height: 6’2     Weight: 198

Jones finished last year as the WR10. He only caught 61 passes but when 9 of them go for touchdowns, and normally long ones at that, that’s how you finish as WR10. It’s hard to expect the same from Starvin’ Marvin Jones this season. Stafford and Son spread the ball out a lot and Jones is normally only viewed as the downfield threat for the team. He’ll still be able to provide WR2 value.

22. Allen Robinson, Chicago Bears     Age: 25     Height: 6’3     Weight: 218

ARob missed basically all of last season in Jacksonville with a torn ACL but still managed to land a big contract from the Bears. So now he’ll go from catching passes from Blake Bortles to catching passes from Mitch Trubisky. Yuck. That’s like going from banging something not good to something still not good. Robinson is going to be expected to do big things because he got paid, but it’s hard to expect more than a WR2 season from him.

23. Demaryius Thomas, Denver Broncos     Age: 31     Height: 6’3     Weight: 229

The fact that Thomas still almost finished with 1,000 yards receiving last year after catching passes from Trevor Siemian and Paxton Lynch is astounding. Are we sure that those two didn’t win some kind of lottery to play QB for the Broncos. Maybe they were just nervous because the Horse Man himself John Elway was always looking down on them. I don’t know but Thomas gets a QB upgrade in Case Keenum this year so he figures to benefit from that.

24. Chris Hogan, New England Patriots     Age: 30     Height: 6’1     Weight: 210

With Julian Edelman suspended the first four games for Performance Erectile Dysfuction’s, Hogan’s Heroes figures to step in and be Brady’s number one wide receiver target. The question now becomes if Hogan can handle the duties, ha duties, of a number one. When healthy last year he was very solid. But he’s gotta stay on the field to make this pick worth it.

25. Jarvis Landry, CLE – Landry led the league in receptions with the Dolphins and now winds up with the Browns. He’s going from America’s sweaty taint that is Florida, to the Mistake by the Lake in Cleveland. Not ideal – but he’s too good to not have at least a decent season.

26. Golden Tate, DET – Golden Taint will continue to be Stafford’s primary target on the short passes. He’s a consistent PPR player who will throw in anywhere from 5-8 TDs. Imagine having a golden taint. I don’t know how this guy does it.

27. Sammy Watkins, KC – This will be Watkins 3rd team in 2 seasons so, not ideal. No one can deny Sammy Watkins’ talent when he’s playing. But the dude is more fragile than the sex leg from A Christmas Story.

28. Michael Crabtree, BAL – New team, same Crabtree. He’s slow for a WR but should be a target monster. I just don’t like the outlook of this offense. If you draft him earlier, he’s gonna give your team crabs. Crabs and Football, that’s what Maryland does!

29. Alshon Jeffrey, PHI – Maybe I should’ve saved the fragile line for Jeffrey but he played through all of last season with a torn rotator cuff, ouch ouch ouch. He’ll miss at least the first two games recovering from offseason surgery.

30. Cooper Kupp, LAR – Kupp check? This is one that I’m actually ok with. Kupp figures to be the primary red zone target for Goff after the departure of Watkins and will probably lead the team in TD catches.

31. Devin Funchess, CAR – All the bunches of Funchess for Cam Newton. Cam loves receivers like this. Big, slow guys who will get the shit kicked out of them over the middle just to catch the ball.

32. Marquis Goodwin, SF – I’m rooting for Goodwin. He’s got a great story and seems to have a good relationship with his handsome QB. And oh yeah, the dude can scooooooot.

33. Emmanuel Sanders, DEN – This feels too low. Sanders is too good to have this low. Fuck.

34. Pierre Garcon, SF – Oh oh oh well hello Pierre! Je mappelle Hank. Garcon might not be as fast as he used to be but he’s still tough as nails and will go over the middle for the Niners.

35. Robert Woods, LAR – Bobby Woods had a career year in his first year in LA. The ball will be spread around so much for this team though that unfortunately, Woodsy’s value takes a hit.

36. Nelson Agholor, PHI – Rising from the ashes, Uncle Nelson finished as a WR2 last year. He’ll be having to play with Napoleon Dynamite himself, Nick Foles for the first few weeks so that’s not ideal.

37. Will Fuller, HOU – Fuller had 7 TDs on like 6 catches last year. Well at least that’s what it seemed like. I’m afraid of one trick ponies. Wait, do we really think ponies should be able to do more than one trick? They’re little horses for God’s sake! One trick is more than enough.

38. Kenny Golladay, DET – I like Kenny G as a breakout player this year. A big target in his second year in the Motor City, Golladay could provide you with some breakout potential on your bench which will be sweet, sweet music just like the jazz from Kenny G.

39. Jamison Crowder, WAS – Crowd her? I don’t even know her! And why are you encouraging me to do weird things? Crowder could be the primary beneficiary of an offense going to Alex Smith at QB.

40. Sterling Shepard, NYG – I’ll take several helping of some Shepard’s pie this year. The Giants offense is going to be sneaky good, as long as Eli can stop looking cross-eyed all the time.

41. Robby Anderson, NYJ – The move to a rookie QB kind of scares me because Sam hey Darnold won’t be asked to push the ball downfield. Going down is what Anderson does best. Shit, going downfield is what he does best. Going downfield.

42. Jordy Nelson, OAK – I fear that Jordy’s best years are behind him. And it’s going to be a tough transition going from Aaron Rodgers to Derek Carr.

43. Julian Edelman, NE – Another skill position in New England, another “gritty” player. Edelman is also suspended for Performance Erectile Dysfunction’s. Goodell must really hate guys who can’t get it up. Viagra ain’t paying the league enough.

44. Kelvin Benjamin, BUF – Read Cam Newton’s profile. Fuck Kelvin Benjamin. But he’s really all Buffalo has in the passing game.

45. Randall Cobb, GB – This figures to be Corn on the Cobb’s last year with the Packers. He’ll handle the slot for Green Bay.

46. Dede Westbrook, JAC – Out of the 3 receivers left in Jacksonville, I think Westbrook is the most talented of them. But, Blake Bortles is his QB so do with that information what you will.

47. DJ Moore, CAR – Carolina took this receiver in the first round and they’ll hope that he can step in and provide a spark on the outside for them. He could finish this season with you wanting Moore, Moore, Moore.

48. Allen Hurns, DAL – 47. It took 47 names before I finally put down a Cowboys pass catcher. WTF are you doing down there, Jerry? Oh shit, he’s with the hookers again. Nevermind.

49. Micahel Gallup, DAL – Two in a row! Gallup can gallop and could surpass Hurns as the 1 soon enough.

50. Josh Doctson, WAS – Doctson is a red zone animal. Dude can jump out of the gym, if football was played in a gym.

51. DeVante Parker, MIA – Park her in the bench! That’s where Parker might find himself by the end of year unless he gets his shit together quickly in the city where the heat is on, all night on the streets until the break of dawn. This write up just became about Will Smith instead. Moving on!

52. Calvin Ridley, ATL – The first round pick from Bama is in one of those positions where he’s going to be more valuable to the team than he will be in fantasy. Which mean jack dick to us!

53. Ted Ginn, NO – Despite being 33, Ginn can still outrun basically every DB in the league. Now, what happens after he runs past them is a different story. His hands are about as reliable as a meteorologist’s weather report. Every now and then, it’s right. But normally you’re left telling the person to go fuck themselves.

54. Tyler Lockett, SEA – For some reason the Seahawks just paid the Pocket Lockett an ass ton of money despite the fact that he has more injuries in his career than touchdowns. He’ll be their 2 this year.

55. Kenny Stills, MIA – My 55th player should just be reserved for guys I forgot to put earlier. His team sucks butts, but he doesn’t.

 

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