Quarterbacks

These are SEASON LONG RANKS. This is the order in which I would draft these guys. Not necessarily how they’ll finish.

Draft strategy: wait on QB. There’s so many that could be your fantasy starter.

  1. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers     Age: 34     Height: 6’2     Weight: 225

Is there really any doubt who should be numero uno this year for the QBs? Not in my mind. And apparently not in the Packers either. This motherfucker just got PAID. ARod is still at the top of his game and figures to be slinging it all over the field in GB’s pass happy offense. His release is what all Quarterback coaches in the league jerk off to and there’s a reason he’s dated women like Olivia Munn and Danica Patrick. Maybe it’s because of his release. See what I did there? Dude’s a stud, and one hell of a quarterback.

2. Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks     Age: 29     Height: 5’11     Weight: 206

Russ Buss was last year’s fantasy #1 QB and for good reason. This dude put the Seahawks on his back damn near every week. It was such a rush to own Wilson last year too. He absolutely sucked in first halves of games. Once the third quarter started, Wilson decided to go scorched earth on people. He’s got a great arm, and is a rushing quarterback, which is always fun to have because those rushing yards stack up, baby. Expect Wilson to have to carry Seattle again this year. He’s my bet for MVP this year if he can get the Seahawks to the playoffs.

3. Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers     Age: 29     Height: 6’5     Weight: 245

Wham bam, thank you Cam! That’s what owners were saying last year as he headed for a finish as QB2. Newton is equipped with a goshdamn howitzer for an arm and is Carolina’s defacto goaline back. Much like Wilson, he’s gonna get you rushing yards and a ton of rushing touchdowns. Some might be down on him this year because he’s headed into a year with new OC Norv Turner. Norv sucked as a head coach, but he’s never really sucked as an OC. He’ll use Newton in every way he can and for that, we’ll be thankful. And I’m with Cam, fuck Kelvin Benjamin.

4. Tom Brady, New England Patriots     Age: 41     Height: 6’4     Weight: 225

As a Steelers fan, and honestly if you’re not a Patriots fan you should be saying this too: fuck this guy. Seriously. Best quarterback we’ve ever seen play, 5 Super Bowl rings, eats like a psycho, and gets to go home to Gisele? Seriously fuck this guy. But, he’s still awesome. He’s as accurate as Wahlberg in Shooter (Boston actor, Boston team – genius) and gets to throw to the giant man child Gronk when he’s healthy. Even if Gronk is not healthy, Brady is always picking defenses apart. I’m not afraid of his age. I don’t see a Peyton Manning collapse this season (I won’t be mad if it happens though).

5. Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints     Age: 39     Height: 6’0     Weight: 205

Shootin’ the Brees. Prayin’ to Breesus. Brees Knees. Just some team names you can use. You’re welcome. I stole all of those though, shit. Brees finished as QB9 last year and threw for only 23 TDs. That number is going way up this year. There’s no way in HELL that the Saints are going to run for as many touchdowns this year as they did last. Sean Payton’s head will explode. Like Brady, his arm strength might not be what it was but his accuracy is pinpoint. With the weapons he has and the Saints explosive offense, Brees should be back around his customary 30 TDs.

6. Matt Stafford, Detroit Lions     Age: 30     Height: 6’3     Weight: 232

Stafford at 6?! Is this guy fuckin high?! That dude sucks and looks like a doofus! Yeah, maybe all of those things are true, but Stafford is a great fantasy QB. Detroit is going to throw it a ton and Matty S has perfected OC Jim Bob Cooter’s offense. Jim Bob Cooter, holy shit what a name. Barry Sanders isn’t walking through that door anytime soon. Detroit is going to throw it and Stafford will reap the benefits.

7. Carson Wentz, Philadelphia Eagles     Age: 25     Height: 6’5     Weight: 237

Wentz finished QB5 last year and he missed 3 games. He was cruising to an MVP season and unfortunately ripped his knee up against San Diego running a read-option. Hey coaches, stop running franchise QBs so damn much. Give it a rest. We don’t know yet if Wentz will be ready for the season opener but Wentz is a stud. Dude hangs in the pocket and takes shots down the field and is locked in with a good offense ran by head coach Doug Pederson, who recently won an award for the biggest balls on the planet. Honestly, end around pass to your QB in the Super Bowl? Dude has cahones the size of watermelons.

8. Deshaun Watson, Houston Texans     Age: 22     Height: 6’3     Weight: 220

No one saw Watson’s wild run coming last year. 19 touchdowns passing plus 2 rushing touchdowns in only 7 games is absolutely bananas – B A N A N A S. What else is bananas right now is his ADP of QB2. Dude played 7 games last year. We need to slow our roll here on my dear Watson. He could totally prove me wrong and come back this year for old ass chin himself Bill O’Brien and light the world on fire. I hope he does, but I probably won’t be owning him at that price.

9. Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons     Age: 33     Height: 6’3     Weight: 220

Matty Ice played like Vanilla Ice last year. He was dogshit, no way around it. As an owner of Julio Jones, I can’t tell you how many times I had to scream at the television because Matt Ryan was throwing the football like a blind kid who doesn’t know what hand he is. But, he’s not that bad. He’s won an MVP for fucks sake. I’m calling for a bounce back this year. Another year under the drunken sailor/OC Steve Sarkisian will help, as well as the addition of rookie Calvin Ridley to his already impressive list of weapons.

10. Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers     Age: 36     Height: 6’5     Weight: 241

Yeah, yeah I know. Ben’s face looks like he’s playing with 3 cookies on both sides of his mouth. And yeah, he ALLEGEDLY has a checkered past. But Big Ben can still ball. He arguably has the best weapons in the league and basically just told the Steelers to tell Todd Haley to GTFO because he didn’t like him. It’s Roethlisberger’s team and he knows it. He still has a cannon and makes big plays. Don’t worry about his home/road splits. Look at his talent and his situation. He’s locked and loaded for a top 10 season.

11. Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers     Age: 36     Height: 6’5     Weight: 228

I cannot figure this guy out for the life of me. How the hell is he so damn good? He throws the ball like he’s competing for gold in the shot put. He’s so slow that you could watch the entire Dark Knight trilogy and still be waiting for him to cross the line of scrimmage. Maybe he’s so slow because he has like a thousand kids and has just lost too much bodily fluid. Yikes. I don’t know, but Rivers is great. He’s accurate and no matter what you think of him, he could find his way inside the top 10 QBs. The Chargers are going to win this division and it’ll probably be because of Rivers.

12. Kirk Cousins, Minnesota Vikings     Age: 30     Height: 6’3     Weight: 210

Ol’ Captain Kirk sure has made a nice career for himself after being drafted to be RG3’s backup. How’d that work out, Washington? Cousins got paid from the Vikings (84 million guaranteed. Holy fuck knuckles) about the same amount that President Trump paid Stormy Daniels and will be expected to do big things in Minnesota. He’s got a decent arm and has been a consistent fantasy performer in the past. And he just got a huge weapons upgrade by coming to Minnesota. Cousins has a chance again to be a solid starting fantasy quarterback for you.

13. Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts     Age: 28     Height: 6’4     Weight: 234

I’ve always found it funny how the guy that sounds like a horse when he talks, actually plays for a team who’s mascot is a horse. Now hopefully he pulls a Peyton and goes to Denver to play for John Elway, the guy that looks like a horse, for another horse team. Shit would be wild. Anyways, let’s actually get to Andrew Luck the player. It’s sucked not having him out on the field for a year and a half. At his peak, Luck was a top 5 QB. Will he be the same coming off of major shoulder surgery? I’m not sure. I don’t love his weapons. But new head coach Frank Reich seems intent on Luck getting the ball out as quick as possible, which is a good thing because in the past, his offensive line has let defenders penetrate the gaps more than a porn star does.

14. Marcus Mariota, Tennessee Titans     Age: 24     Height: 6’4     Weight: 223

Or Marioto, if you’re that ginger-headed fuck Roger Goodell. Mariota wasn’t good at all last season. He threw more interceptions than he did touchdowns and was stuck in an offense that looked like it belonged in the 70’s. Enter new OC Matt LaFleur from Los Angeles. LaFleur has worked for great offensive minds Kyle Shanahan and Sean McVay the past two seasons and will look to bring a more updated offense to Music City. As with Wilson and Newton, Mariota has a bit of a cheat code in him with his rushing yards. He’s got a ton of upside and could be on the verge of a breakout.

15. Derek Carr, Oakland Raiders     Age: 27     Height: 6’3     Weight: 218

In my opinion, Jon Gruden has never had as talented of quarterback as Derek Carr. And I’m not buying this bullshit that he’s going to bring football back to the 70’s in Oakland. A man who represents Hooters for years would not lie to us! I think Carr is a sneaky bounce back pick. He had a rough season last year and played a lot of it hurt. A year of rest and adding receivers like Jordy Nelson and Martavis Bryant (if he can put the blunt down for a second) to Amari Cooper is only going to benefit David’s little brother.

16. Jimmy Garoppolo, San Francisco 49ers     Age: 26     Height: 6’2     Weight: 225

I’m so glad this dude isn’t in New England anymore, because then I’d have to like a Patriot. This handsome bastard decided that during his summer, he’s going to go out in public with a porn star. Having him at 16 might be too low just based off of that alone. But he’s at 16 for me because I still need some time to come around on him. Yes, I know the 49ers won every start of his. But he only threw 7 TDs in those games and isn’t exactly surrounded with the game’s best weapons. His accuracy is terrific and he seems to have an understanding with Shanahan so 16 might be too low. I’m open to Jimmy G, just like the porn star he went out with was! Hey o!

17. Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs     Age: 22     Height: 6’3     Weight: 230

Pour one out for Mahomes! The big walrus Andy Reid has decided to move on from Alex Smith and turn over the offense to this second year QB from Texas Tech. Mahomes might have the strongest arm in the league already. Go watch his TD pass to Tyreek Hill from week 2 of the preseason. The ball was in the air for almost 70 yards. 70! It looked like the old Michael Vick Powerade commercial where he threw the ball out of the fuckin stadium. He might be the ultimate risk/reward pick at this position. QBs from the Big 12 traditionally have not transitioned well to the NFL but I’m willing to bet on Mahomes.

18. Alex Smith, Washington Redskins     Age: 34     Height: 6’4     Weight: 216

Alex Smith, you just had the best year of your career! Tell him what he’s won Bob! Congratulations, you’ve been traded to the Washington R-words! (Camera cuts to Alex Smith muttering the word fuckshitcockbitch). Smith finished as QB3 last year and was promptly shipped to the Skins for a draft pick and a player. Traditionally, he’s a dink and dunk QB which everyone hates, but last year Smith took chances down the field and showed a side we really hadn’t seen before. But now that he’s the R-words QB, his outlook isn’t as great in my mind

19. Jared Goff, Los Angeles Rams     Age: 23     Height: 6’4     Weight: 205

Where the hell did that season come from? If you watched Goff as a rookie, you would have been convinced that he had no shot to be a legit QB and that he may have had a learning disability. But last year under the leadership of Sean McVay (or getting away from Mr. Mediocrity Jeff Fisher) Goff had a top 12 season at the position. I don’t expect the Rams to have the year they did last year, but they’ll still be decent. Also, Goff should probably not let it be know that he thinks his coach’s girlfriend is hot. Sounds like a future hostile workplace relationship to me.

20. Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys     Age: 25     Height: 6’2     Weight: 229

Year 2 didn’t quite go as hot for Dak playing for “America’s Team.” Side note: how the fuck are the Cowboys America’s Team? They’re in Texas. It’s basically Northern Mexico, right? Anyways, Prescott started out well but once Zeke Elliot got suspended, Dak looked like he didn’t know what the hell a football was. He provides you some nice rushing yards, but his weapons are shit this year beyond Elliot. Allen Hurns as your 1? Jerry Jones, what are you doing up in that press box besides getting hummers from strippers and making your weird son bring you booze?

21. Case Keenum, Denver Broncos     Age: 30     Height: 6’1     Weight: 210

I didn’t even know Case Keenum was still in the NFL last year until Sam Bradford got hurt (Bradford hurt? Go figure!). All Crazy Case Keenum did was have a 22:7 TD to interception ratio and help guide the Vikings to the NFC Championship. His reward? Minnesota told him GTFO. He lands in Denver, where I assume everyone is high all the time, and will have two aging receivers on the outside and the pressure of having to play for Mr. Ed himself, John Elway.

22. Eli Manning, New York Giants     Age: 37     Height: 6’4     Weight: 237

I don’t think there’s ever been a player that I’ve disliked and liked more than Eli. Watching him play can be painful. He was gifted with a face that says, “I’m the dumbest motherfucker on the planet.” He makes awful decisions. But, he’s also beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl twice so I can’t hate him that much. He’s going to have a new offense this year but man does he have a great young stable of weapons with Barkley, Beckham, Shepard and Engram. I’m sure he’ll find a way to fuck it up, but I don’t mind Eli as a QB2 in two quarterback leagues.

23. Tyrod Taylor, Cleveland Browns     Age: 29     Height: 6’1     Weight: 215

Tie-Rod? Ta-Rod? Who gives a shit? Seriously HBO, no one really cares that much how his name is pronounced at this point. Taylor arrives to Cleveland as a placeholder for fuck boi Baker Mayfield. But, I wouldn’t overlook Tyrod. He’ll always provided value with his legs and he’s finally escaped the hell hole that is Buffalo. But he also landed at the Mistake by the Lake, so how much of an upgrade is it? He’ll be decent, I just wonder how long it’ll be until Manziel 2.0 takes over.

24. Mitch Trubisky, Chicago Bears     Age: 24     Height: 6’2     Weight: 222

Mitchell the Bitchell sure played like one in his first year in the Windy City. He also wasn’t given much of a shot considering he had to play for John Fox, who always looks like he doesn’t know how he got to where he is. Fox: “Football stadium? How did I get here? Where am I, again? Who am I again? What’s a football?” Trubisky is considered in the fantasy industry to have a chance at a Goff like second year since he’ll be playing for new coach Matt Nagy and the Bears significantly upgraded his weapons. He’s young, so he has a chance.

I’ll rank the remaining QBs with a brief phrase or phrases on them.

25. Blake Bortles, JAC – QB13 last year. What the fuck? Beat the Steelers in the playoffs. Double what the fuck?

26. Andy Dalton, CIN – Red Rocket? No, no. That’s a dog’s boner. Red Rifle? Maybe but he has a candy arm. Dalton better have a good season or he’s going to be a red orphan.

27. Sam Bradford, ARI – His sleeves scare me. What’s he have up there? Certainly not anything that doesn’t get him hurt. Only a matter of time until he gives over to the big nosed rookie Josh Rosen.

28. Sam Darnold, NYJ – USC quarterback in New York? What could go wrong?

29. Ryan Tannehill, MIA – Tannehill is always hurt and has never really impressed. Hard pass.

30. Jameis Winston, TB – Suspended 3 games for groping an Uber driver. Come on, dude. Don’t be a dick. Also, he’s not that good. Terrible decision maker. And oh yeah, he’s dick.

31. Bubby Brister, PIT – Just making sure you’re paying attention.

32. Joe Flacco, BAL – is Joe Flacco elite? Fuck no. Elite at being a poop quarterback with a unibrow? Maybe. About to be elite at giving his job to a rookie? Yes.

33. Baker Mayfield, CLE – Johnny Manziel 2.0. Maybe. He’s looked good in the preseason, but it’s also the preseason. He’ll get a shot probably sooner rather than later. Also, based off of Hard Knocks, I think Hue Jackson wants to make love to him.

34. Lamar Jackson, BAL – He’s intriguing because his player comp. is probably a cross between Michael Vick and Tyrod Taylor. I expect him to take over for Flacco soon.

35. Josh Allen, BUF – He can throw it a long way so that’s gotta count for something, right?

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